The Day my World Stopped

December 31, 2012, my world stopped.  Everyone else just kept going, some of them sad, but their world was still moving, going. 

It has been 16 months, I think.  Funny how time has become so confusing to me.  I think I'm calculating this nightmare correctly.  16 months since my beautiful son died.  16 months since my world changed forever. 

My world is still stopped. 

I now have two lives.  One before Nolan's death when life was good and normal and happy and filled with ordinary pain and suffering and stress and things.  And the second life is post 12/31/12.  Post-Nolan.  How is it I lived 30 years without him before his birth, but living without him the past 16 months is unbearable.  Post-Nolan life is confusing, vague, nightmarish, void, bitter, painful. 

Sometimes it hurts to look at your face

how is that possible?  but sometimes looking at pictures of you gets my heart hurting, my soul crying, my brain aching.  I look at those beautiful images and realize that is ALL that I have left.  I look at the ones from just days before your death and I think WHY DIDN'T I KNOW SOMETHING WAS WRONG????   now that I see them, you look so skinny.  of course, we had all been fighting a bug.  I didn't know such a horrible virus could kill my son. 
even though it hurts, I will never stop looking at your face though.  I need to see you as much as I am able.

lonely sad bitter mad

I'm so lonely.

I'm so sad.

I'm so bitter.

I'm so mad. 

Why God?

Why did YOU take my son?  Why?  It's not fair. 

I miss Nolan with all of my heart.  And I'll never hear his sweet voice again.

I just don't know if I will ever feel a trust in God again. 

Repetitive

Will I be writing the same grieving, sorrowful stuff in ten years?

How will I ever wrap my head around the fact that I found my thirteen year old son dead in bed after going to bed healthy?  How will I ever remove that image from my mind?  There are some days that it plays over and over again in my head.  Other times I will go a month without thinking of that horrific day. 

Today was a sorrowful day.  I cried the most tears that I have cried in months.  Tomorrow is Easter.  I don't know if it just suddenly hit me or what.  I also stopped the anti-depressant pills.  So it's good to cry again.  Yet, it felt so painful and powerful.  I felt such immense anger towards God today.  I said that I hated Him. 

I know many of my friends who have a strong faith will be shocked to hear that. 

Try to live with the knowledge that God let your son die for no good reason.

Signs???

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3044472-i039ve-stopped-looking-for-signs

Grieving Mothers

I have joined several grief groups on facebook.  I have friended a few of the ladies I have come into contact with as well.  What I am seeing is that we are all so different about how we handle things.  There is one mother who lost her son a couple months before I did.  She is constantly sad and saying she hopes she dies soon.  She has other children, but they are grown.  I think that is a big part of it.  She has no children at home to help her through this.  At first I thought that merely having other children would be such a help, but now I am seeing if they aren't at home, they dont' really pull you forward.  I would love to just stay in bed every day, but I can't.  I'm thankful for my children.

I sometimes question God now... is there a God?  If so, why does this stuff happen? 

Some people have said that Ella was God's plan because He knew what was going to happen.  So He gave her to me to help me through this.  Yet, what about these other parents?  Don't they need something?  There's no reason for any of this.  I don't see it as a part of a plan.  If it is, I am merely being punished.

the other day

my mind was full of thoughts to put here.  where did they go?  my mind isn't the same since Nolan's death.  motherhood, in general, has given my brain a run for its money.  add in the death of my son, and my brain is just a little bit of a mess.  I can't remember to mail bills.  I am overdue on things all the time even when we have the money to pay the bills.  i'm a disaster on two feet who'd like to just lie in my bed. 

Linking to an article about a Mother's Fear

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2930461-fear-of-a-mother

Thoughts that Won't Go Away

I often think of Nolan's last breath.  Why?  Why do I have to wonder what it was like?  I wonder if it was completely peaceful.  I wonder if there was a sound of his last breath escaping as his heart simply stopped.  I wonder if I had been lying next to him, would I have heard anything unusual?  Did he feel anything?  Did he feel pain?  Did a sharp pain awaken him long enough to scare him before he died?  Did he know he was dying? 

Was he having a dream when he died?  How did he feel when he lay down that night? 

Is he now in Heaven?  Is there a Heaven?  Will I ever get to see him again?  Is Heaven a myth? 

If he is alive in spirit, why can't I get a sign?  Why do some people have visions or visitations from spirits (if it is real) and I don't?  Why?

My sweet boy.  My sweet, sweet boy.  Why do I have to ask myself these questions?  It's not fair. 

elusive sleep

since Nolan's death, my sleep has been messed up.  initially, there was a real fear that made me incapable of sleep.  that eased up a bit, but I still couldn't sleep.  it's been fifteen months.  sometimes there are nights that I feel scared as hell.  I watch the other children sleep.  I check their breathing.  I still do.  will I always?  other nights, I just can't sleep.  my brain won't do it.  I try.  other nights, I fall asleep, then I wake then I can't fall back to seelp.

sleep has been so troublesome since Nolan's death.

it makes my everyday life difficult.  getting up and facing the day is hard.  we sleep too late.  getting u pfor anything important is very iffy.  we hve overslept manytimes the past fifteen months.

I hate it.

I hate everything about this.

I don't even know what to do

I think Ciara is feeling anxiety which is leading her to feel pressure in her chest.  Add that to asthma and allergies and cold/flu season, I don't think I have anything to worry about.

What if I am wrong?

I had a whole post in my head that I was going to write about and my thoughts have fled.  now i'm consumed with worry for Ciara. 

shit.  why does this have to be so hard?

Too Much Fear, so I Ignore it??

I have found myself ignoring things that should make me freak out, namely Ciara and liam saying their heart hurts. 

liam went through that after papa died.  then he went through it after Nolan died.  nothing was wrong.  but what if that changes?

Ciara worries.  she only mentions the heart feeling at bedtime.  so I chalk it up to worry.  but what if?

I worry too much, mentally, but I ignore stuff lately.  I feel like I am overwhelmed by life.  so I ignore. 

is this normal?  I don't know.  I feel like everything I do I do wrong. 

why did you have to die Nolan?  why???????????????

April Fool's Day

Nolan loved April Fool's Day.  He loved to come up with pranks.  He would start thinking of ideas months in advance.  So today, my pranks were for you Nolan.  I made orange juice from mac and cheese powder.  And I helped Ciara make "cookies" from instant potatoes, salt, pepper, chili sauce, chocolate chips, and nuts.  Cheers to you my love.