the sorrowful

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Sadness

I look at your pictures, so full of life, and I cannot believe this is real. it's been 18 months. some people might say "get on with your life!" and they do not know. they cannot understand unless they have lost a child. I will never simply get on with my life again. my life as I knew it is over. this is a new worse life. that's the fact jack. it's worse. I hate that. I hate it for my other children. but I can't help it

I still look at these photos of my sweet Nolan and sometimes I think it has to be a nightmare. how can this be true? how can something so horrible be true?

I worry about my other children. I see how I try to distract myself from the pain and I worry about them doing the same as they grow older. I hpe that as children they are not effected the same way as me.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

This is my silent scream

because you know I need to scream

inside I yell always

I tell myself that I HAVE THE WORST STORY OF EVERYONE!!!!!!! MY LOSS IS THE WORST.

outside I know that all of our losses are horrible

but i'm selfish

I only care about my loss of my sweet Nolan

he should be here and I am silently screaming at all times

yes, it has been 18 months and for those of you who do not have a heart, let me tell you that IT HURTS JUST AS MUCH TODAY!!!!!!!

this is hell

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

unbearable thoughts

I hear story after story of mothers who have lost more than one child. I fear that happening to me. I go to bed every night fearful. I am so scared, not only of losing another child, but of finding anyone else dead. the thought of that terrifies me. I don't know how to cope. the fear is overwhelming.

why did this have to happen to us?

I know I sound like a freaking broken record, but I just don't understand.

why?

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Unfairness and Reality

The unfairness of it all continues to rear its ugly head. I think it will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

grief is tiring.

the reality of it is that grieving mothers do not get over it. some may be excellent at putting on a fake face, but the reality is that we hurt inside. and we always will