Crying More

I'm relieved to be crying again.  I was taking some Zoloft for awhile to help with anxiety and instead it was making me a zombie.  I am a crier.  That's me.

I have been sad a lot, of course.  But lately, these things have made me sad:  1) yesterday was memorial day.  I remember going to the cemetery with my parents as a kid visiting old people's graves.  that's what you should do on memorial day.  not visit a child's gave.

and 2) today I took logan to the children's mercy orthopedic clinic.  I had completely forgotten about taking Nolan there a few times for scoliosis.  I was crying when we were waiting once it hit me.  the last time I was in that clinic was with Nolan.  a few years ago. 

losing Nolan just sucks and hurts and is hell and just can't get better.  how could it?

Life Goes On and it Sucks

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3515116-life-goes-on

a few things that are on my mind

i hate that my other kids are asthmatic.  their coughs scare me.  I hate being so scared.

i'm so tired.

I know it is wrong

I know it is wrong, but I am so jealous of complete families.  i know that jealousy is never a good thing.  but i can't help it.  i see people celebrating their families and their kids and i'm jealous.  our family will never be complete ever again.  how do i come to grips with that?

Pictures on the Wall

I'm slowly adding more photos to our main photo wall in our living room.  I also added a big multi-photo frame to the hallway.  If we added it up, there are probably a couple more of Nolan than anyone else.  Once I explained to one of the kids that it is because I still get to see them, but I only have pictures now of Nolan.  I hope they understand.  Though, looking up at my wall right now, there is only one of Nolan by himself and it is small.  However, he is in 14.  Actually I see more of my daughter by herself than anyone else.... Huh, I guess I shoudlnt' worry too much about them thinking anything.  Although, I do have 4-5 pictures of him just him, in frames on shelves.  I think they get it. 

It's Never Going to Get Easier

It will always be something.  Tonight, I sit here crying because of people sharing pictures from their children's 8th grade graduation.  Nolan would be graduating from 8th grade this year too.  Instead, like a thief in the night, God stole him from me.  It's not fair.

Mothers' Day

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3337904-the-first-to-call-me-momma

it's a hard day