I know I sound like a broken record but I am so freaking scared. here's the thing. I really thought finding out that it was NOT genetic something or other that killed Nolan would ease my mind. it didn't. it's worse. if we had found out that Nolan had died from an arrhythmia that was some type of genetic issue, then we'd be prepared & the kids could be fitted with heart monitors & all the other stuff. I have a friend who nearly lost her son to something genetic. found out her other two sons had it as well. all 3 boys now have something in their chest that will automatically start the heart if it stops. scary, yes. but manageable. this whole myocarditis that is NOT as rare as the dr would have you think can strike anyone without warning. any symptoms are the same symptoms that are like any other symptoms. or there can be no symptoms. any number of things can cause it. anytime my kids get a tummy bug or anything viral I am going to be scared. how can I live like that? seriously? I am freaked out. the fear is not getting any better.
today liam was acting all tired and just said his tummy hurt after eating. I worry. I worry so much. I hate it. I think "well surely God wouldn't let that happen again?" but I keep hearing these awful stories of suffering & yes, God does let things like that happen again.... One mom today on one of my grief groups lost 2 sons on the same day to an overdose because they got into her husband's prescription meds. how the hell do you cope? a woman in a book I read lost 3 children over a period of 18 years.... sometimes it almost seems some people are just chosen for all this extra suffering. they are just hit hard with it over and over and over.
i'm just so scared and I don't know what to do about it.
I don't think you sound like a broken record. You are processing an immense amount of pain. We have to talk and think over and over to try to make sense of something there is no making sense of. I'm sure it makes your brain hurt as well as your heart.
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