another poem

I hope everyone realizes when they read my poetry, that I am writing it with children talking, distracting, etc.  It may be my excuse, but it is true....
http://www.bubblews.com/news/1934316-what039s-it-like-in-heaven

one year ago today

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1932441-the-clock-is-ticking

Living up to Nolan

When Nolan was still alive, I worried about Liam living in his shadow.  Nolan always seemed to do what was right; whereas Liam struggles with it. 

Honestly, since the death of my sweet child, I even worry more now.  Especially his dad, he seems to put Nolan on a pedestal.  And Liam cannot live up to the perfect image that Patrick has in his head.  I feel bad for Liam. 

Time Travel

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1924117-52-weeks-ago-today

Distracted on Nolan's Last Day

I can't bear the thought of how distracted I was the last day Nolan was alive.  It sickens me.  I think of him telling me that his teeth were getting whiter and I said "uh huh." as I looked briefly at him, then back at whatever screen I was busy looking at.  that's me.  the distracted mom.  the computer/phone/tablet mom.  I love my kids.  do they know?  or do they think I love the internet more?  did Nolan know how loved he was, how loved he is?????  I miss him more than anything and would give anything to have that day back, to spend every moment talking to him.  listening to his precious voice. 

Our First Christmas Without Nolan

Well, we have made it through several horrible milestones, several firsts.  Halloween, Thanksgiving, his birthday.... Yesterday was our first Christmas without Nolan.  We survived.  We smiled.  We laughed.  We ate.  We opened gifts.  We went to a cemetery......

A cemetery on Christmas was not a place I ever considered going.... 

I hosted the holiday at my small house.  Before indulging in our holiday feast and opening gifts, we caravanned to my son's grave.  The slushy, snow-covered ground brought back memories of a day nearly a year ago.... the day we lost our son.  As usual, the two boys were running around playing.  A snowball fight ensued.  After a quiet moment of grieving graveside, daddy and I both threw a snowball at Nolan's headstone.  We knew if he were with us, he'd want to be having a snowball fight. 

I did not cry all day....  I felt sadness.  I think it is the medicine I am taking.  I am just not crying as much.  I suppose that is ok.  I started on the meds because I couldn't control my crying and I was having anxiety attacks all the time.  So it's better to be more even keel.  However, I feel like I should be crying..... 

Happy Birthday in Heaven my Son

Well, I'm about twenty minutes early saying it.  It is nearly midnight though.  And all I can think about is you Nolan.  I feel so empty today.  What I would give to be able to hug you today. 

here's a post I wrote about some of the birthdays past....

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1873949-fourteen-years-ago

spinning out of control

I feel like this past year has been nothing but chaos, and not the good chaos.  There is a constant feeling of tension. There is a lack of peace and order.  I yell a lot.  I'm failing miserably.  Perhaps I was failing even before Nolan s death.  I know something needs to change for the sake of my children.  Our home feels so fragile, my children are fragile.  I yell and scream.  They argue and fight.

A Bubble about a memory of Nolan

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1858867-one-of-my-favorite-memories


just a simple thing really.... but I treasure it. 

I wish I could dream of him....

Nearly one year since my child left this earth and I still do not dream of him.  I had one small dream that he was in very briefly.  It wasn't deep and meaningful like other dreams I hear of.  I want a dream.  I want a dream that feels like he is in the room with me.  Liam had one of those.  I need something like that. 

I physically ache inside.  That hole feels so much bigger today than it did even six months ago. 

I have so much extra stuff happening right now too.  It is all feeling like so much to handle.  I'm overhwhelmed with grief and anxiety and worry and sadness. 

Why can't I spend time with him in my dreams?  is that too much to ask?

Another middle of the night poem

written while I couldn't sleep

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1853256-darkness

is it karma?

do I deserve all the bad things that have happened to me?  maybe I do.  Patrick doesn't though.  he's so good and kind and wonderful.  he has had more bad things happen to him than anyone I know, the worst of which is losing our son.  he doesn't deserve the bad karma.... so now he is suffering and it's my fault.  he continues to maintain his faith, that's great. 
bad things happen and I feel sick and empty and anxious and my stomach and chest hurt today.  I feel like throwing up.  I want to run away.

Why can't all the bad stuff just stop happening?

I'm so depressed tonight.  I feel like no matter what I do,I always make the wrong decisions.  I feel like I'm being punished for every mistake I have ever made.  And I've made many, both big and small.  I feel like my family will never be truly happy again.

I often think about things like maybe if we hadn't gone to such and such place, Nolan would not have picked up that awful virus.  Or even, if we had never moved back from Chicago, Nolan would still be alive.

I think how lonely I feel so often, like I will never fit in the homeschooling circles.   I'm not good enough, my kids are wild, I'm out of place.  Then I just want to hide away and be even lonelier.

I think about how much easier life would be if there was no turmoil, no fighting, no mistakes.

I think how insecure all of my kids are about everything now.  It manifests itself differently in each of them.  I worry about how they will grow up with this fear in our lives, this sadness.

I think how I'm really not a good mom.  I'm not.  I love my kids more than anything, but I'm a failure.

All my mistakes have led to this.  I should have never left Chicago.  Nolan would be alive, I'd be making the big bucks,  if be at a job where I was successful, maybe I would be a better.mom.

Why do I always screw up?

Liam Processing

The last month or so, Liam has been sleeping with Patrick or I.  We already do musical beds.  Ciara and Ella with me.  Daddy with Logan sometimes, with Liam sometimes.  Logan sometimes comes in with me.  Liam doesn't want to be alone.  I don't know if it is his reaction to nearing the anniversary of Nolan's death.  I don't know.  But when the kid who never acts fearful of anything suddenly wants to start sleeping with parents again, I'm certain it means something.  He also was nervous the other day when I left the kids home for a while without me. 

Logan had a nightmare the other night.

Ciara still has to say "see you tomorrow" every night at bedtime.  And you MUST say it back to her. 

Ella said she missed Nolan yesterday. 

Talking about Nolan

Any conversation that I have that allows me to talk about Nolan is a gift.  I do not care if I cry.  That's fine.  I want to cry.  Talking about him, about what he was like, about the things he did, my memories... that's comfort to me.  I have always joked that I have an awful memory due to all the partying I did in my youth.  Well, now that I have lost my son, it's not that funny of a joke.  I'm scared of forgetting things.  And I will, I have already.  I had already forgotten things about all the children over the past 14 years before this happened.   I wish people would share memories of him.  A friend on the Catholic loop sent out a message to our group asking people to share any stories they had of him, she shared one.  No one else did.  That made me sad.  (deja vu feeling here, I may have already mentioned that in a previous post).   I just need things like that.  Anything to grasp onto of his to help me through this nightmare.   

random thoughts

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1781191-another-late-night

another late night when I couldn't sleep... random thoughts of my sweet son. 

a poem

it's 2:45am and i'm writing depressing poetry....  here it is.

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1763925-a-late-night-poem

we've just lost that something....

since Nolan died, we just have lost whatever it was that we used to do right. 

we used to spend more time together, talking, playing games, even just watching movies together.  now, we are all apart.  we don't play games.  the kids fight.  I know kids fight.  but it is just like losing Nolan really messed up our family.  seriously.  I feel like we will always be screwed up now.  dysfunctional.

I can't cry....

I need to ask the doctor if that is an effect of the medicine that I am taking.  Because, seriously, I haven't been crying.  I feel like crying.  But I'm not crying.  Perhaps that's ok for the short-term.... get me through this tough holiday season.... because prior to taking the meds, right as the holidays started, I was a basket case and could not stop crying.  I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown.  So maybe it's ok.  but crying often helps relieve me.  and hell, Nolan is my son, I want to cry about him.  I mean, well, I want to hug him and have him here.  I want that day from nearly a year ago to be a dream.  I want to wake up.  but if it has to be real, then I want to cry about him.  I feel like i'm not honoring him lately.  I keep my mind as busy as I can.... I don't think of him nearly enough.  oh Nolan.  how can you be gone?

still waiting on a bigger sign, but....

read my story here....

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1746063-kind-of-a-sign-maybe-not-a-big-sign-i-want-a-big-sign-but-a-sign

December is Here

This is it.... the month.  the month that I lost my son.  the month that he celebrated his last birthday.  the month that is usually my favorite of the year.  the month that is typically filled with joy from all the excitement, the traditions.  This is the month that will mark one year since I saw my son.  one year since I kissed and hugged my son.  one year since he walked down that hallway after saying goodnight.  one year.  how can it be one year already?  this has been both the longest and the fastest year of my life....  it makes no sense.

Cute Things That Nolan Said: #1

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1731370-when-nolan-was-3-years-old

therapy

so today I had my first private therapy session with the grief place.  we have done the group a few times.  that wasn't working with our activities.  so I decided I needed something.  it went well.  I think

videos.... oopes

I don't think either of those worked.  sorry.  i'll try again tomorrow. I want to post more than my sorrow here. I want to post memories of my precious son.  I miss you so much Nolan.  I may feel empty right now.  I may not cry because of the emptiness.  but you were my first TRUE, true love.... you.  I miss you.  you taught me what true love is all about.

I don't think that one worked.... let me try again....

here's a video with nolan

another video of my sweet boy

emptiness versus sadness

lately I feel more empty than sad.... I think it is a much worse feeling.  I would rather be crying over my son than this emptiness.