another night passed...maybe three hours of sleep

Patrick and I were talking yesterday about how this sadness will never ever g go away.... the rest of our life on earth e we will be sad that we were robbed of our son, Nolan.  Patrick, who had always been an optimistic, cheerful person even when facing all kinds of other things in the past, is now a sad person for always....I, whom used to be"happy-go-lucky" Jill will never be that person again.  I feel ancient now, I feel the sorrow that I have only read about in my many books.  only its so much worse.  I already wonder when or if, I guess I should say, people will want to pull away from me because I'm just too sad to be around....right now every person wants to comfort me, but eventually everyone else gets to move on in their own life.  not me, not us.  my very best friend Nancy lost her brother two years ago. she has experienced enough grief that I think she will be ok with my new self.  but other people will probably start to move the other way when they see me coming because I will just make them sad.  in the short time since this has happened,I have even physically aged....I used to look a teeny but younger than my age, now I look older.  I don't really care about that, my vanity is gone, but it is just an observation....  I'm sure the lack of sleep hasn't helped. or the fact that I haven't brushed my hair for probably a week.