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I don't want to inundate my friends on Facebook with my grief, my sorrow, my pain. I have always kind of lived out loud on fb from sharing my children's exploits to my adventures in the kitchen to my passion for lord of the rings.... my statuses have ranged from mundane (guess what I had for dinner) to exciting (it's a girl#!)... the death of Nolan hasn't been something I have talked about in my little status updates each day on fb. oh I have a couple times briefly... of course, but not only is it just too much sorrow to share like that, but I really don't want everyone to feel sad....I know I'm going to have that effect now on people. when they see me, for a long time, they will feel sad. sometimes, random crazy bereaved mom thought, when I'm in a public place and I feel the heaviness in my heart and behind my eyes, I want to walk up to strangers and say, my son just died....he was 13 and we still don't know what happened.... but I don't.... I watch the strangers going on with their lives....I scan their faces to see if I see any signs of sorrow. if I see an elderly person, I especially look at them....they have had more time to experience something tragic. wonder why I want strangers to know my sadness....
perhaps it is my anger at the world for going on....how dare these people lead a normal life when my precious son was taken from me. or maybe it is simply that I am consumed by sorrow. consumed.this anguish taints the entire world now.
so writing here, living out loud, I can say a little more about my thoughts and feelings than I can on fb. and if someone wants to read it, it is here.... but no one has to
Keep writing because we are reading. We are here to listen to you, on this blog or in person. Hugs and prayers.
ReplyDeleteKeep writing Jill. It's an amazing way to get out all the anger and sadness you are feeling. I know that like myself, people are reading this everyday. I love you
ReplyDeleteThis one got me. All of the world going on, and you wanting to go up to random people and tell them! Haha...I laugh because I KNOW! It's funny, in a way. I wanted to go up and SHAKE people and say, do you know?! Do you know what just happened?
ReplyDeleteWe made a woman sad, the day we left Peoria. We didn't MEAN to. We were getting coffee and she was happy and talking and said something to Emma and we mentioned we were from out of town. And I said something about coming a lot that year, one thing led to another and I told her, and she KNEW. Her pastor had done Natalie's service because Natalie's pastor was out of the country. And her WHOLE FACE AND BODY changed. But I tried to tell her how we were so moved by all the people that Natalie had touched, that this child had touched.
Remember. Always. It sucks. It's hard. But Nolan will be in our hearts, our minds, our children's hearts for the rest of their lives and he will have touched so many.
Love love love you