six months

six months ago my world was shattered...  my son Nolan unexpectedly died in his sleep. 

 I've always been a worrier.  since becoming a mother, that intensified, was multiplied by 1,000 percent... worrying about something happening to my kids, worrying about something happening to me and therefore, not being there for my kids, worrying about something happening to Patrick and therefore, the kids growing up without a dad... I worried about car accidents, cancer, playtime accidents, school shootings, bike wrecks, boys & knives, asthma attacks, something horrible happening during hide and seek, kidnapping, sexual abuse, drug use, alcohol use, overdoses....  so many worries. 

I didn't worry about my wonderful son Nolan going to bed on December 30, 2012 because he seemed totally healthy.  His asthma hadn't been acting up really, maybe a little coughing here and there that week, but not much.  He played outside much of the afternoon.  He ate plenty that day and night.  He acted fine.  I didn't worry about him one bit when I lay down to go to sleep that night. 

I didn't worry about a virus attacking his heart cells and killing him in his sleep. 

I didn't worry about that...

Yet....

Six months ago that happened.  Six months ago, Nolan died.  I hate those words so much.  Nolan died.  It's been six months since I talked to my son.  Six months since I kissed him goodnight, hugged him.  Six months since I made him do dishes.  Six months since I heard his voice.  Six months since he ate his birthday nutella... Six months since we sat and watched the avengers together.  Six months since he sat and prayed with his dad. 

Six months of hell. 

Six months. 

I miss you Nolan.

reality and functioning

so often now I feel like i'm living in a sort of haze... i'll think about things, about Nolan, about what happened, and I feel so disconnected like this is just not real.  I don't know if it is still a sort of shock thing.. I don't know.  or just that it is so horrific. 

and functioning... everything is so hard.  I can't seem to plan ahead for anything.  we are getting ready to go on vacation & just the thought of planning it is overwhelming me... I don't have to do MUCH... just plan our route, get a hotel room for the way down & the way back, pack, make lists, shop for stuff, go buy new tires, etc.  but I get kind of sick to my stomach when I start thinking about it. 

functioning:  school... our school year fell apart.  most everyone gets it & says that is the beauty of homeschooling... but i'm still not really handling it.  i'm sort of thankful that our co-op is changing this year to more of a core subject, two days a week with homework the other days kind of thing simply bcause of my inability to function right now... i'm hoping most everything will be taken care of & I won't allow the kids to fall behind more than they fell behind this winter & spring... but functioning to actually participate, well that stresses me out... I can't even think about buying books, and other stuff....

functioning..... getting the kids on a chore schedule... haven't been doing it.  before Nolan died, Nolan, liam, ciara, and me took turns doing dishes... since my sweet son's death, I have probably made ciara and liam do dishes about 3 times... I could use their help, but i'm just not functioning enough to even get the kids on a good routine... thankfully it's summer.

some people, most probably, who haven't experienced the loss of a child probably just cannot understand why  6 months later I still feel like i'm not functioning properly....  I can hear some of their voices saying "gee jill, it's been six months"  no one gets it.  not unless you've lost a child.  it's unlike any pain or suffering you can imagine...

so my functioning is just doing my best and my best may just not be much at all... but i'm doing what I can...

Liam is at scout camp

Scout camp for 10 days the last couple summers was the best part of Nolan's summer.  He LOVED, loved, loved it.  I remember his first summer, 2011.  Patrick wasn't sure he wanted him to go.  It seemed so long.  10 days.  He drove him down.  That was probably a little harder on Nolan than just riding with a friend.  He cried a little.  But he loved it.  He called the first and second night.  Then no more calls.  He wrote a couple times.  The next year, I think he wrote once.  He had no homesickness at all.  Yet, he was so glad to see us at the family visitors day.  He bought me earrings.... I never wore themI have them though.

Liam left today for his first time at Bartle.  He's different, no homesickness.  I dont' foresee any calls.  He may write one letter only because I told him he had to.  It's so bittersweet... I had thought how neat it would be for the two boys to go together... now they won't... ever....

say his name

sometimes I feel like people don't talk about Nolan enough... I mean, certain friends or acquaintances never mention him.  I know people are not always sure how to act...  but seriously, I want people to say his name!!!!  I want people to talk about him.  I want to hear stories.  I don't hear any stories.  A friend on my catholic homeschool loop put out a thing probably a month after Nolan's death about people sharing memories of Nolan... no one did except her.  That kind of hurt.  I mean, didn't any of these people have good memories of him? 

anyway... I like to talk about him.  It might make me cry.  But I still want to.  It's better than not talking about him. 

Nolan should be remembered. 

wanderlust, escape, running away

The last six months I have wanted to go... just pack up and travel....sometimes I imagine running off by myself, but mostly I think of packing up the kids and traveling, just traveling.... places I've never been, places I dream of... I usually don't include Patrick in my plans, but only because I realistically know he hass to work...  but I imagine packing up the kids and just taking off... for a month, a year.... running from this inescapable pain

music part one

music has always played such a big part of my life.  I remember listening to records as a kid.  I remember playing the radio and singing along in the car.  There was always music.  To me, music is memory... it is a chunk of time wrapped up in a song... I hear a song and not only does it make me think of the past, it makes me think of the future.  It makes me think of what might have been. 

I sing.  I sing along with the radio LOUD, all the time... 

I sing... I did choir as a kid.  I wanted to be a rock start.  I sing.

I hear music and I am taken away to a time long, long ago.  I hear music and I feel sad or happy or crazy. 

Music makes me cry.  some songs have always made me cry.... Christmas music, I love it.  I sing it.  But it always has made me cry.  Even before this horrible thing struck my life.  Imagine this Christmas?  I can't.

Now?????  Everything... every song makes me think of Nolan... seriously, when I say every song, I mean eveyr song... somehow it makes me think of my sweet boy.

other people get miracles

What happened to Nolan, to our family, on December 31, 2012 is the complete opposite of a miracle.....  our boring, hum drum daily life was twisted, turned upside down, every good thing dragged through the wringer.

No miracle.

baseball

the whole baseball season has been sad because, well, last year we had liam AND Nolan playing... now it's liam and logan...

today, I was saddened in a new way.  I found out that the division that liam is playing is actually ages 11-13 which means that this year, for once, liam and Nolan would have actually played on the same team.  how awesome would that be?  the two of them together.  together like they have been for 11.5 years.... but together playing on a baseball team.  something they had never done.  now they will never do.  it makes me so sad.  just like everything else does.  no Nolan.  the world is missing out  and no one even realizes it!!!!!  it's just wrong.  this fantastic boy who was growing into an outstanding man.... just what the world needs!!!!  someone who stood firm in his beliefs, but was a fun, happy person to be around... someone real, someone playful and silly.... Nolan.  the world had lost him and the world doesn't even know what it has lost...

i'm surrounded by these pictures of him... but no him....

baseball makes me sad.

the funeral, the wake, the first few weeks

Such a blur...

Patrick went to the wake of a neighbor tonight.  This neighbor, Paul Welsh, attended Nolan's wake and it was the first time I had met him.  Nolan had such a way about him.  He knew neighbors, they loved him.... I know no neighbors.

The wake though, the funeral, it is all a blur.

Oh, there are parts that I sort of remember... There's a couple sorority sisters that I hadn't seen since about 1990 that I was so surprised to see... I remember that.   There's the hugging of Ciara's soccer coach that I never had spoken to before.  I remember that.  There's the image of 26-30 altar boys serving at Nolan's funeral.  I remember that, though I could no longer tell you who the boys were... I don't remember that.  I don't remember most, to be honest. 

I remember being surprised at all these folks from soccer (Nolan's, liam's and Ciara's) that came... I was touched.  But I can't remember faces. 

I remember sitting in the limo after the funeral awaiting the drive to the cemetery and seeing angie bush, a friend that I hadn't seen since high school walking through the parking lot.  I never got to speak to her.  I know she was there though and that means so much. 

I remember seeing my friends Heidi and Monica on that horrible Saturday morning, a brief hug, but not actually getting to talk to them...

I remember hugging Shannon and Marti and thinking to myself how tall marti is.... the things that pop in your head when you are in the middle of a tragedy sometimes surprise you... I was about to see Nolan's body for the last time & I was thinking about the tallness of marti...

I remember person after person bringing food.  but I don't remember who or what... I still haven't written all my thank you's.   most people I think get it... I still have my list.  I still have my thank you cards.  I still hope to eventually thank everyone...  but it's been nearly six months.  and here I am...

I remember my friend Lydia calling me to talk, I haven't actually spoke to her in years in person...  the call was odd because I could barely hear her due to some weird connection... and well, weird because my son was dead.  she was my closest friend during my pregnancy with Nolan... she was the first friend at my job that I told... so long ago that seems.... the day I told her I was expecting him... to the weird call when he was gone. 

I remember waking up the second day and not being able to sleep.  well I say waking up, I hadn't slept more than probably 30 minutes.  but I got up... and I decided to drive to starbucks.  I remember standing there ordering my coffee thinking no one knows how sad I am. 

I remember money coming into my hands and my thoughts of how wrong it was that there was money coming into my hands because Nolan was dead. 

I remember thinking how much I loved getting meals when I had babies...  now I was getting meals because my baby was dead.... I still appreciated the meals.... I couldn't have survived those first couple months without them... but I didnt' love them like I did the meals when I had a new baby. 

I remember walking into my house right after th ehospital on 123112 and my dad walking by me and instead I hugged a friend from coop.  I was in such a daze.  here was my dad who was suffering like me and I walked by him.... after I hugged her, I realized what was happening and I hugged him.  it was such a daze, such a haze.  there were moments that I thought "how do I act"

I remember sitting in the hospital and NOT crying... I was in such shock. 

I remember hanging up with 911 and screaming at the top of my lungs "no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and Ciara looking at me as I dropped to the snow-covered ground. 

I remember hugs from acquaintances... I remember sad looks.... I remember feeling embarrassed about my messy house... I also remember not giving a rats-ass about my messy house.....

but honestly, most of it is so vague.  I feel like I needed a videographer following me around for that first 2 months or so because I just dont' remember most of it....  

 

btw, this is Nolan saying "I love you mom" on a Saturday morning with Patrick... they were at the broadway café after mass. 

thoughts

random thoughts float in and out of my brain and I think if I had my blog handy i'd write them all down.  then when I get it out & start to write, I forget what I was thinking of... that is something I dont' think that non-grieving parents get is just how shakey our thoughts are... just how easily we forget things.  i'm honestly surprised more bereaved parents don't just lose everything, starting with their jobs which then progresses to their homes (etc).... but seriously, I have said all the time that i'm amazed at Patrick going back to work and being able to work, to function.  I think, for him, it's a distraction.  just like tv and pinterest and wine and reading facebook and words with friends and tv (did I say tv) are distractions for me... but for him, it's a distraction and he doesn't think about all this horrible stuff while he is working. I know that he sometimes has to step away from his desk because he is thinking about Nolan and is about to cry.  I don't know how often.  he told me that earlier on... i'm sure in the beginning his employers understood.   but now do they?  I think that is one of the unspoken horrible side-things that goes with this horror is that no one gets how we don't get over it... how years from now we will still need to step away to cry.... I hope that it eases up for me, for Patrick.  today I was crying as we drove down the street and I thought to myself how there are certain places I cry EVERY time.... one is driving down the street listening to music (it all reminds me of Nolan) two is church... I cry every single sunday at mass for various reasons which is a whole other blog and three is every time I work out at the gym.  without fail, I cry at these three things.  but you know, for Patrick, he is working for a living, working to take care of us... he is just as heartbroken as I am... yet he has to function.  I mean, I have to function too... but it's different.  there's more understanding where I am.... if Patrick messed up at his job due to his grief, he'd lose his job.  if I mess up, well, we are just behind on school work or we miss an activity.   
maybe not all dads are just as heartbroken as the mom... but Patrick was so hands on with Nolan from day one.  and they had such a good relationship.  he's heartbroken... just like me.

reality bites

As I sat in the movie theater with ciara tonight watching the cartoon eoic, I was thinking how much I need escape right now...escapism is a method of coping.  I don't know how how healthy it is.  But it's so much better than facing the pain.   Watching the colorful scenes of the movie, my brain drifted into a fantasy world, one where I don't even exist.   The pain is muffled briefly....muffled, not gone completely.    I just want to escape

praying

When I pray with my kids, I say please keep my kids healthy and safe.... I have prayed that prayer since becoming a mother.... it feels like a bad joke to me now when those words come out of my mouth...   why bother?  For more than thirteen years I prayed for Nolan's health and safety....

distractions are temporary

They don't take away the permanent fact that Nolan is gone....they can't erase the pain, only mask it for a short time.... the distractions can't bring my baby back to me, can't wake me up from this nightmare....  the distractions are one of the few things though that are helping me survive...  surviving without Nolan...sometimes I just don't want to....  the other four make me know I have to

dream

I had a brief dream of you last night.  I can't remember it real clearly, but I know you smiled. I truly hate my bad memory... I wish I could see your smile right here, right now.  I miss you so much.

a broken heart

Why does my broken heart break over and over again?

your laugh

I miss your laugh immensely.... so happy, so silly, so boisterous, so you....  you laughed so often.

When I'm distracting myself with tv, which, I will be honest, I'm doing a lot, I imagine you laughing at whatever we are laughing at.  We are re watching Sherlock and the last t ime we watched these shows, you were alive.  You enjoyed it with us.  You laughed at Sherlock.

I miss your laugh

a drawing by Nolan

I plan on getting more of his art here... my printer is being screwy, so I took a picture of this with my kindle.... that'll work for now!

The World of Nolan (his blog)

So, for scouts, Nolan started a blog... he only has 3 entries.  if I can remember what I used as the password, I may start uploading some stuff to it.  if I can't, I will just put it on my own blog.  Nolan is such a creative child.  I have all sorts of artwork that I want to upload for everyone to see.  He did these funny comics/cartoons... I always laughed about how cool he was because he would be drawing religious art one moment and the next doing some silly boy humor cartoon... he was all boy, but a boy with heart and a strong faith...  so anyway, I plan to start doing that... not just bombarding you all with all my pain, but letting you see his immense talent.  he started writing so many times, writing books.  and they were great.  but he never finished.  he was a kid after all....  I truly believed that somewhere in there was a book/novel that would be written/completed.... 

I had this plan to write a book myself, kind of a judy blume-ish book geared towards the younger set (ala tales of a 4th grade nothing)... silly, boy humor...  It was (is) called "the Bully"  and Nolan was all set to illustrate it for me.... I guess I took too long to actually write it.  we have no guaranteed tomorrows do we?

anyway, today I am going to link you to Nolan's little blog.  it has 3 entries.  he had all sorts of stuff he wanted to write.  I just love the voldemort one because I am a huge harry potter fan... yes, I am.  I admit it.  I love harry potter!    so here's Nolan's blog.
 http://worldofnolan.blogspot.com

guilt

Grieving parents feel guilt.  I have read numerous writings by parents who have lost a child and every single parent feels guilt.   Sometimes there is a valid reason for some guilt, but mostly there's just the feeling that we should have done something different poor noticed something that was hard to notice....

I feel guilt.  Patrick feels guilt.

The other night I was watching tv with the kids and these thoughts settled into my head....I thought "perhaps if I had hugged Nolan more tightly before he went to bed, I should have noticed his heart was beating funny. Then I could have taken him to the hospital and we wouldn't be living this nightmare."

I have lots of other feelings of things I did wrong that day, but that was a new one...

I know that there's probably no way I would have noticed his heart was beating funny, but what if???

Guilt

old people should die first

Today I read that Edith bunker died.  A favorite actress from my childhood.  Sure it is sad.  But I can't help but think. "Why did she get  to live to 80?  Why not my sweet son?   Why did he only get 13 years on earth?"  It doesn't seem fair.  I'm certain both, my mom and my dad, would gladly have switched places with Nolan.... they are merely 70 and 71 years old....still full of life.  I hate the thought of losing them....hate it.  But I know they wish they had gone first.  The day after Nolan died ((hate, hate, hate those words!!!!!!))  Our wonderful ninety-something priest went to the hospital, it was serious.  My first, selfish, selfish, selfish thought was. WHY DIDN'T HE DIE INSTEAD OF NOLAN!!!! I love this priest....love him.  But he should have gone before Nolan.  He should have.  It would have been sad, yes, but his death at ninety-something would make sense.  Nolan's death does not, cannot, will not, EVER make sense.
I had someone ask today how I was REALLY doing.... not many people ask that question.  This is an acquaintance who has really touched my heart since Nolan died.  She's one of the few who blatantly asks about Nolan and I love her for it.  Not related at all to my above commentary.... but this woman whom I barely know just seems to"get" me more than so many other s.... she asked today if it was ok for her to mention Nolan...I said YES!!! Please talk about him .  Please say Nolan's sweet name