301 posts

I just noticed that I had made 300 posts on here.  300 posts ago I had a son named Nolan who lived and breathed and ran and played and laughed and smiled and ate and drank and wrestled and climbed and joked and danced and camped and fished and swam and wrote and drew and painted and kicked and ran and hugged and kissed and spoke and prayed and lived. 

I miss you Nolan.  And I love you with all of my heart. 

existence

Did you exist?  Sometimes it feels so unreal, like I have imagined you.  Sometimes I can't picture that I ever held you.  That I ever heard your voice. 

Screw You

Sometimes I feel so angry at the world.  At everyone who is living a normal life.  At everyone whose kids are still alive and growing up.  At everyone who has a 14 year old.   At everyone who has a 13 year old. 

I get angry when I see children advancing in Boy Scouts.

I get angry when I see children getting their drivers' license.

I get angry when I see a 14 year old in a play!

I get angry when I see a friend's child getting married.

I get angry when I see a kid going to the prom.

I get angry when I see life continuing normally for everyone else. 

I Miss You, I'm sorry

I miss you so much.  Yet, I don't allow myself to think of you as much as I should.  I'm sorry.  I have become the queen of distraction.  Sometimes it hurts so bad when I think of the fact that this is real. I try to deaden the pain with projects and food and time with friends and wine and shopping and tv and computer and more of the same.  None of it brings you back though.  None of it helps me to miss you any less.  It just keeps me numb.  I love you.

middle of the night

i'm up in the middle of the night because logan is having a breathing treatment.  i'm laying here worrying about Ciara.  she has said a couple times recently that her heart hurts.  I ask her what she means.  she can't explain.  however, it usually is just at bedtime and after she starts thinking about it.  so I really thought it was nothing.  but today, she said it while she was watching tv. 

I think I should take her to the doctor.  can you imagine how horrible I would feel if the same thing happened to her as Nolan?  chances are it is nothing.  but I should take her.  which reminds me that I also need to schedule follow up appointments for her and liam with the cardiologist.

remember they went last spring and wore heart monitors and had tests and everything was fine. 

she does have a cough which can make your chest hurt.  but it's not that bad of a cough.  and it's not while she is coughing.  crap.  why does this have to be so scary?

 

This is the stuff that scares me

here's a link to info about myocarditis, what killed Nolan.  if you read the symptoms, they are so vague.  how many times have my kids had those very symptoms?  it sucks.  it really sucks that something like this exists!!!!

http://www.myocarditisfoundation.org/about-myocarditis/

The Carefree Past

I was looking through my old photos on Facebook this evening.  I was struck by the days when my profile picture was of either just me or me and one of the other kids or the other kids or just one of the other kids.  Rarely now will I have a profile pic that does not include my sweet Nolan.  I feel like he needs to be seen by people.  I don't want people to forget him..... He's such a part of me.  I don't know.  just looking at those pictures reminded me of the past.  back, way way way back when I was carefree.  of even just back, shortly before Nolan's death, when I had the normal worries in adult life of how to pay bills, school for the kids, etc.  I wish I could go back.

sorrow

sometimes it just hits me when I look at your picture how GONE you are.... I start to feel more empty.  there is a constant emptiness since you left us.  but occasionally, I just feel more empty.  does that make sense?

today I was looking at your picture from a saint Patrick's day, probably about 5 years ago or so.  you are so little.  you look so happy.  I look at pictures and suddenly realize the truth in never seeing you again, the truth in never hearing your voice.

my faith is so shattered.  I don't know if I will ever see you again.  I dont' know if there is a heaven.  I just don't. 

then there are those who believe in heaven we will not even remember our earthly life. 

if that's true, then I still won't see you.

my heart is broken.

Twenty Years From Now...

I have thought often about how I won't get over losing Nolan.  I think some people don't get that.  I don't blame them or anything.  it is a hard thing to comprehend..... truly.  anyway... I wrote this little poemish thing as I thought about it. 

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2631241-in-twenty-years

ciara

I worry so much about their health.  I think she might have heartburn, but she doesn' tknow how to explain it to me. 

no more tears

I definitely need to change medicines.  I went to group therapy tonight, something that makes me cry every time, and I didn't even come close to crying.  the tears are there beneath the surface.  i'm sad.  I miss Nolan.  I feel empty.

and I mean, I may just need to go off the meds.  keep the anti-anxiety only.  I just want to cry again.  I don't know if I ever will feel "unempty" (I know that isn't a word)

I look at your smiling face Nolan and wonder how you can be dead. 

thinking of another grieving mother today

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2559403-more-thoughts-on-the-grieving-mother  

My Dad and Nolan

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2528596-my-dad-and-my-son

Breathing

Watching them breathe
Hearing them breathe
You don't know what it means
How much relief you feel
Until you have had one stop

I have been awake for the last 3 hours in my bed, unable to sleep.  but I feel good hearing logan's snoring breaths, ella's sighs, and Ciara's occasional soft sounds escaping her. 

just to see them breathe
if I only I could see Nolan breathe again

fear

I've voiced my fear many times on this blog.  Tonight the fear feels fresh. We have a tummy bug.  I fear for everyone, but mostly logan because he has been fighting a different bug for over a week now.  so his immune system is already weakened, his lungs are weak from his asthma, now he has the stomach virus.   but I am scared for all my kids.  I keep checking to see if they are breathing. 

The Second Year

 

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2495235-why-the-second-year-is-more-difficult-than-the-first