another poem

I hope everyone realizes when they read my poetry, that I am writing it with children talking, distracting, etc.  It may be my excuse, but it is true....
http://www.bubblews.com/news/1934316-what039s-it-like-in-heaven

one year ago today

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1932441-the-clock-is-ticking

Living up to Nolan

When Nolan was still alive, I worried about Liam living in his shadow.  Nolan always seemed to do what was right; whereas Liam struggles with it. 

Honestly, since the death of my sweet child, I even worry more now.  Especially his dad, he seems to put Nolan on a pedestal.  And Liam cannot live up to the perfect image that Patrick has in his head.  I feel bad for Liam. 

Time Travel

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1924117-52-weeks-ago-today

Distracted on Nolan's Last Day

I can't bear the thought of how distracted I was the last day Nolan was alive.  It sickens me.  I think of him telling me that his teeth were getting whiter and I said "uh huh." as I looked briefly at him, then back at whatever screen I was busy looking at.  that's me.  the distracted mom.  the computer/phone/tablet mom.  I love my kids.  do they know?  or do they think I love the internet more?  did Nolan know how loved he was, how loved he is?????  I miss him more than anything and would give anything to have that day back, to spend every moment talking to him.  listening to his precious voice. 

Our First Christmas Without Nolan

Well, we have made it through several horrible milestones, several firsts.  Halloween, Thanksgiving, his birthday.... Yesterday was our first Christmas without Nolan.  We survived.  We smiled.  We laughed.  We ate.  We opened gifts.  We went to a cemetery......

A cemetery on Christmas was not a place I ever considered going.... 

I hosted the holiday at my small house.  Before indulging in our holiday feast and opening gifts, we caravanned to my son's grave.  The slushy, snow-covered ground brought back memories of a day nearly a year ago.... the day we lost our son.  As usual, the two boys were running around playing.  A snowball fight ensued.  After a quiet moment of grieving graveside, daddy and I both threw a snowball at Nolan's headstone.  We knew if he were with us, he'd want to be having a snowball fight. 

I did not cry all day....  I felt sadness.  I think it is the medicine I am taking.  I am just not crying as much.  I suppose that is ok.  I started on the meds because I couldn't control my crying and I was having anxiety attacks all the time.  So it's better to be more even keel.  However, I feel like I should be crying..... 

Happy Birthday in Heaven my Son

Well, I'm about twenty minutes early saying it.  It is nearly midnight though.  And all I can think about is you Nolan.  I feel so empty today.  What I would give to be able to hug you today. 

here's a post I wrote about some of the birthdays past....

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1873949-fourteen-years-ago

spinning out of control

I feel like this past year has been nothing but chaos, and not the good chaos.  There is a constant feeling of tension. There is a lack of peace and order.  I yell a lot.  I'm failing miserably.  Perhaps I was failing even before Nolan s death.  I know something needs to change for the sake of my children.  Our home feels so fragile, my children are fragile.  I yell and scream.  They argue and fight.

A Bubble about a memory of Nolan

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1858867-one-of-my-favorite-memories


just a simple thing really.... but I treasure it. 

I wish I could dream of him....

Nearly one year since my child left this earth and I still do not dream of him.  I had one small dream that he was in very briefly.  It wasn't deep and meaningful like other dreams I hear of.  I want a dream.  I want a dream that feels like he is in the room with me.  Liam had one of those.  I need something like that. 

I physically ache inside.  That hole feels so much bigger today than it did even six months ago. 

I have so much extra stuff happening right now too.  It is all feeling like so much to handle.  I'm overhwhelmed with grief and anxiety and worry and sadness. 

Why can't I spend time with him in my dreams?  is that too much to ask?

Another middle of the night poem

written while I couldn't sleep

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1853256-darkness

is it karma?

do I deserve all the bad things that have happened to me?  maybe I do.  Patrick doesn't though.  he's so good and kind and wonderful.  he has had more bad things happen to him than anyone I know, the worst of which is losing our son.  he doesn't deserve the bad karma.... so now he is suffering and it's my fault.  he continues to maintain his faith, that's great. 
bad things happen and I feel sick and empty and anxious and my stomach and chest hurt today.  I feel like throwing up.  I want to run away.

Why can't all the bad stuff just stop happening?

I'm so depressed tonight.  I feel like no matter what I do,I always make the wrong decisions.  I feel like I'm being punished for every mistake I have ever made.  And I've made many, both big and small.  I feel like my family will never be truly happy again.

I often think about things like maybe if we hadn't gone to such and such place, Nolan would not have picked up that awful virus.  Or even, if we had never moved back from Chicago, Nolan would still be alive.

I think how lonely I feel so often, like I will never fit in the homeschooling circles.   I'm not good enough, my kids are wild, I'm out of place.  Then I just want to hide away and be even lonelier.

I think about how much easier life would be if there was no turmoil, no fighting, no mistakes.

I think how insecure all of my kids are about everything now.  It manifests itself differently in each of them.  I worry about how they will grow up with this fear in our lives, this sadness.

I think how I'm really not a good mom.  I'm not.  I love my kids more than anything, but I'm a failure.

All my mistakes have led to this.  I should have never left Chicago.  Nolan would be alive, I'd be making the big bucks,  if be at a job where I was successful, maybe I would be a better.mom.

Why do I always screw up?

Liam Processing

The last month or so, Liam has been sleeping with Patrick or I.  We already do musical beds.  Ciara and Ella with me.  Daddy with Logan sometimes, with Liam sometimes.  Logan sometimes comes in with me.  Liam doesn't want to be alone.  I don't know if it is his reaction to nearing the anniversary of Nolan's death.  I don't know.  But when the kid who never acts fearful of anything suddenly wants to start sleeping with parents again, I'm certain it means something.  He also was nervous the other day when I left the kids home for a while without me. 

Logan had a nightmare the other night.

Ciara still has to say "see you tomorrow" every night at bedtime.  And you MUST say it back to her. 

Ella said she missed Nolan yesterday. 

Talking about Nolan

Any conversation that I have that allows me to talk about Nolan is a gift.  I do not care if I cry.  That's fine.  I want to cry.  Talking about him, about what he was like, about the things he did, my memories... that's comfort to me.  I have always joked that I have an awful memory due to all the partying I did in my youth.  Well, now that I have lost my son, it's not that funny of a joke.  I'm scared of forgetting things.  And I will, I have already.  I had already forgotten things about all the children over the past 14 years before this happened.   I wish people would share memories of him.  A friend on the Catholic loop sent out a message to our group asking people to share any stories they had of him, she shared one.  No one else did.  That made me sad.  (deja vu feeling here, I may have already mentioned that in a previous post).   I just need things like that.  Anything to grasp onto of his to help me through this nightmare.   

random thoughts

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1781191-another-late-night

another late night when I couldn't sleep... random thoughts of my sweet son. 

a poem

it's 2:45am and i'm writing depressing poetry....  here it is.

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1763925-a-late-night-poem

we've just lost that something....

since Nolan died, we just have lost whatever it was that we used to do right. 

we used to spend more time together, talking, playing games, even just watching movies together.  now, we are all apart.  we don't play games.  the kids fight.  I know kids fight.  but it is just like losing Nolan really messed up our family.  seriously.  I feel like we will always be screwed up now.  dysfunctional.

I can't cry....

I need to ask the doctor if that is an effect of the medicine that I am taking.  Because, seriously, I haven't been crying.  I feel like crying.  But I'm not crying.  Perhaps that's ok for the short-term.... get me through this tough holiday season.... because prior to taking the meds, right as the holidays started, I was a basket case and could not stop crying.  I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown.  So maybe it's ok.  but crying often helps relieve me.  and hell, Nolan is my son, I want to cry about him.  I mean, well, I want to hug him and have him here.  I want that day from nearly a year ago to be a dream.  I want to wake up.  but if it has to be real, then I want to cry about him.  I feel like i'm not honoring him lately.  I keep my mind as busy as I can.... I don't think of him nearly enough.  oh Nolan.  how can you be gone?

still waiting on a bigger sign, but....

read my story here....

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1746063-kind-of-a-sign-maybe-not-a-big-sign-i-want-a-big-sign-but-a-sign

December is Here

This is it.... the month.  the month that I lost my son.  the month that he celebrated his last birthday.  the month that is usually my favorite of the year.  the month that is typically filled with joy from all the excitement, the traditions.  This is the month that will mark one year since I saw my son.  one year since I kissed and hugged my son.  one year since he walked down that hallway after saying goodnight.  one year.  how can it be one year already?  this has been both the longest and the fastest year of my life....  it makes no sense.

Cute Things That Nolan Said: #1

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1731370-when-nolan-was-3-years-old

therapy

so today I had my first private therapy session with the grief place.  we have done the group a few times.  that wasn't working with our activities.  so I decided I needed something.  it went well.  I think

videos.... oopes

I don't think either of those worked.  sorry.  i'll try again tomorrow. I want to post more than my sorrow here. I want to post memories of my precious son.  I miss you so much Nolan.  I may feel empty right now.  I may not cry because of the emptiness.  but you were my first TRUE, true love.... you.  I miss you.  you taught me what true love is all about.

I don't think that one worked.... let me try again....

here's a video with nolan

another video of my sweet boy

emptiness versus sadness

lately I feel more empty than sad.... I think it is a much worse feeling.  I would rather be crying over my son than this emptiness. 

Nolan Drawing With His Feet

Nolan was an artist.  He was drawing constantly from the time he was able to pick up a crayon.  Here's a video of him when he went through his phase of drawing with his feet. 

Nolan, you were the first....

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1653850-you-were-the-first

people's positive words

people often tell me they worry about saying the wrong thing to me.  in all honesty, nothing anyone says to me is going to make me upset with them.  however, often what they say can really warm my heart.  does it make me less sad?  no.  i'm sad forever.  but they can comfort me with their kindness, their positive outlook, their belief in God and Heaven and that Nolan is there.  It's comforting.  I'm thankful for these people.  in all my miserableness, i'm thankful for these people.

Disbelief

There's still a certain level of disbelief as I walk through every single day in a haze of gloom and grief.  I look at Nolan's smiling face in photographs and I am filled with such a desperate longing to see him again.  I relive that awful moment of walking into his bedroom that horrific morning.  I shut my eyes and I open them and yes, I'm awake.  It's not a dream.  It is a terrible reality.  Terrible.  That's not even an evil enough word for it.    Horrific?  I do not think there is a word in the English language that can truly describe it, losing your child like this.  Losing your child period is a nightmare.  And we can argue what way is the worst way.  Patrick and I have said a few times that suicide would have been worse.  Or knowing your child was a victim of molestation.  But.... the trauma that we all feel from that day, the post-traumatic stress that we feel.... finding our beautiful son dead in his bedroom when he went to bed healthy.... How can I believe it is real? 

Pictures of Nolan climbing trees

it shouldn't be so difficult to visit my son....

but it is.....

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1614512-visiting-the-cemetery

unable to keep up with anything, especially my house

I would be extremely humiliated if anyone who helped with all the work around my house in January were to walk in the door right now.  I would hang my head in shame and probably never be able to look them in the eye again.... My house is a mess.

I've never been a great housekeeper, but I do TRY.... I try....

Seriously though, between my anxiety attacks that have made me physically feel ill, Ella being sick, lack of good spirit period, I can't seem to get motivated to anything.  I can't keep up.  I'm not good at having the kids help.  Oh I will say "logan pick up the living room" and he'll pick it up, but it's not clean... he's just picked up some of the clutter. Or Ciara will decide to vacuum.  I miss my old living room rug.... the one that we have now shows every single spec of dirt.  I can vacuum it and five minutes later it looks dirty.  the old rug was beautiful rich colors and shag and you couldn't see any dirt!  So the kids help, don't get me wrong.... But it's not enough.  Nolan was my truly good helper.  If I asked him to do a job, he did it completely.  Not tryin to compare everyone to him.  He was older. And therefore, he should have been better at it. 

I have tried getting rid of things, but they just continue to pile up.  Everything is just a mess.  And I just can't get it clean.  It's horrible.  I think being depressed and sad just doesn't help.  My energy level is blah. 

videos of nolan

so for some reason, I have a few videos that won't work on this computer, but if I upload to facebook or youtube they work.  so I thought I would test them on here too.  here's a fun video of liam and Nolan being silly together.  gosh, liam has to miss him so much. 

there are days where i just feel even more empty

today was one of them.... I played a song a couple times that always makes me cry about Nolan.  I didn't cry.  the only tears I shed today were when my feelings got a little hurt at a person's probably unintentional remark that made me think they think my kids are poorly behaved.... that brought some tears.  but I didnt' cry about Nolan.  I feel so empty today.  I feel like, gosh, I don't even know how to explain it.  I look at his pictures and there's this unreality of it, I feel hazy today, like none of it is real.  yet, it's so real that I feel empty.  I felt sad today as I looked at photos from Nolan's birthday... but I didn't cry.  I needed to cry.  I was alone at home in the house, the best time for me to cry. I can let it all out, I can scream.  but I didn't.  I just felt foggy.  I've been obsessing about this website called bubblews because i'm trying to earn money for Christmas on there because otherwise no idea how we will afford gifts this year.  and really, with the suckiness of Nolan not being here, i'd hate for the gifts to be sucky too.  I know that isn't what it's about.... but still, the kids deserve some magic.  and so, i'm spending loads of time on this website trying to earn a few bucks to help with Christmas.  anyway... that's what I have thought about today.  I guess my distractions worked today if I didn't cry.  but I kind of wanted to since I was home alone.  and I didn't.  empty. 

Nolan was the Exception, I think

I look at all my children, all of whom I love deeply.  I see their qualities, I see their faults.  I see things that I want them to work on, I see things that I know is just a phase (i.e. being a 12 year old boy!).  I see Liam acting like every boy I remember from that age acting... silly, boyish, rowdy, goofy sense of humor, difficulty sitting still.  I think he still shows respect, which is important, but he may not always pay attention when he should.  He's a goofball & I love that about him.  I know that someday the silly things that make boys laugh at the age of 12 won't necessarily make him laugh when he's an adult, or even 15.  Nolan was a goofball too.  He seemed to have an easier way about him though.  He naturally knew how to be polite and respectful and saved his goofiness for the proper times.  Liam is polite and respectful, but he doesn't always remember to save the goofball antics for the right time because HE IS A 12 YEAR OLD BOY!   I think Nolan was the exception, really.  From my own experiences growing up, from kids I have known through my life, Liam is the one who acts like I think 12 year olds normally do.... silly.  goofy.    He's a good kid.  He has a big heart and always wants to do what is right.  He loves his family.  He loves God.  He's just a boy for goodness sakes.

And you know, I'm glad.  I am glad that even after losing his brother, his best friend AND being the one to find him, that he can still act like a normal 12 year old.  I'm glad that he finds things like farting funny, even though I don't.  And I am proud of him.

Logan is hyper and can't seem to sit still.  he too likes to act silly.  again, I'm glad!  I'm glad he can act silly after all we have been through.  He'll mature eventually and settle down and I know he's a good kid too.  Having older brothers, he seems to grasp onto that silly dumb boy humor at an earlier age then they did.  But someday, he will be a great grown up young man.  I'm already proud of him.

Ciara is a girl and all girl.  She's going through the tough lessons that girls have to go through, learning that you have to be true to your friends, that you have to be kind to others even if sometimes you don't feel like it.  Girls are snarky, girls are mean.  Ciara falls into the same trap as all girls do at times, but we talk about it and she will learn.  And she has a big heart and will eventually make someone the most wonderful friend in the world.  and when she grows up, I know she will always want to help people, bbecause that is what she does now.

So I think Nolan was the exception.  All of this growing up stuff seemed to come pretty easy for him.  He rarely seemed insecure.  He knew when to do what.  It was just his personality.  I don't love him any more or any less than the others.  I love them each for their own beautiful selves. 

feeling sad, of course

looking through old pictures from Nolan's last birthday.... i'm so sad. 

still so filled with anxiety

i'm home alone with ella today & having an anxiety day... crap.  I hate it.  I have been feeling better, but still occasionally having the difficulty breathing.  I think it is anxiety, but sometimes I still worry it is health.  I had so nmany tests done over the last two weeks.  I feel better, then I feel bad.  is it just anxiety?  I already took my meds and still feeling anxious.  I hate it.  I just want to feel good.  healthy.  I don't like this at all. 

more on anxiety

I have a constant feeling of anxiety these days & I honestly just want to feel NORMAL again... and by normal, I mean as normal as a mom who lost her son can feel.  I want to be able to just physically feel OK.  Today's been rough.  Ella is sick with a  fever.  And it's making me exhausted.  Poor girl.  And you add the fear I feel on top because last year Nolan had both a throw up bug and a fever bug within a month of each other and then he died.  So now here is ella.... so i'm scared.  and tired.  it sucks.  i'm sure the fear doesn't help my anxiety.  and I had to drive to Lenexa twice today and seriously, not sure why but driving seriously makes me anxious now.  almost everything does though.... I rarely feel relaxed.  Maybe when I am in bed and it is quiet.  That's about it.  Even then, I worry. 

my most recent post

I'm writing on another site too called www.bubblews.com  I save most of my writings about dealing with this sorrow and pain for this site, but occasionally I will write a post there that needs to be posted here too.  so here's one I wrote today.  http://www.bubblews.com/news/1576891-writing-from-the-heart

my anxiety

I have been suffering extreme anxiety lately.  I'm sure part of it is just that the holidays are upon us.  My favorite time of year.  Now living it without my sweet Nolan.  I still have moments of disbelief.  How can this be real?
I seem to feel anxious every time I have to drive the kids somewhere, especially if it is a longer drive.  I usually do ok driving to our close co-op, but anything else and I am biting my nails & feeling short of breath.  It's kind of a crappy thing because as a mom period, let alone a homeschool mom who has to constantly run her kids places, it is not good to fear driving.  I hope it's temporary.
I've started on a daily anti-anxiety/anti-depressant to hopefully help.  So far, I'm not noticing a big difference.  I'm still needing my as needed drug too.  Kind of sucks.  I don't like to be dependent upon medicine.  But I guess this isn't your normal situation.

a few things i miss.... an incomplete list

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1570354-just-a-few-things-that-i-miss-about-my-son

just a few random thoughts on things i'm thinking of today.... and every day.... I miss you

comfort

there is comfort in the kind words, the prayers, the virtual hugs, the real hugs, the emails, the cards... there is comfort. 

Nolan is gone.  nothing fills that void.

yet I have people reaching out to me, mostly virtually, but still, reaching out.  I imagine a world before facebook.  I think if I had lost my son then.  my void would be the same.  but would I have as much comfort as I do now?  I don't know.  the world has changed. 

I used to be one of those gals who spoke on the phone with friends every day.  now I rarely talk on the phone.  so maybe, just maybe, if facebook weren't around, i'd have real contact with people?  I don't know.  it's just a different place now.

but i'm thankful for the friends that I have.  i'm thankful for them checking in on me and saying they are thinking of me. 

i'm sad.  the sadness is there.  period.  Nolan is gone & all the comforting friends in the world can't replace him.  but i'm grateful for the comfort.

more to feel sick about

Money
http://www.bubblews.com/news/1522328-money-from-my-childamp039s-death-kind-of-sucks

trying to function while grieving

some random thoughts in this post  http://www.bubblews.com/news/1516450-i-think-grieving-parents-should-get-some-kind-of-a-pass

just not doing well right now

can't breathe, anxiety abounds, can't eat, nausea, more tears than usual... feel like I should be in a mental hospital.  i'm a mess.  I can't function.  I can't focus on the kids.  I feel bad, I know they are worried about me. I can't focus to pray other than begging God to make me feel better.  Yet He doesn't.  My house falls into a bigger mess because I just can't do anything.... I'm scared for my health.  Scared for my kids. 

a song someone just shared with me

well, this song says it all.... I miss you Nolan. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frsDzIQ4gQI&feature=youtu.be

i feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown

The last week has been miserable, yes, they are all miserable to an extent, but the last week had been even worse.  I'm crying constantly and having anxiety attacks several times daily.  When not having a full on attack, I'm constantly anxious.  It's taking a toll on me.  I'm not feeling healthy at all, I'm even more exhausted, and my house is even messier than usual.  I can't focus, my poor kids...I feel like I'm bein g such a bad mom to them.  I feel like I need a companion to just come sit and hold my hand through my anxiety attacks, or to do my laundry, or to take care of my kids while I cry in my room.  I went to the Dr and am starting on an antibiotic which will hopefully help my breathing and an daily anxiety pill, but that takes a couple weeks to notice effects....so please pray for me.  I need it.

Halloween

Our first without you my sweet boy..... last Halloween, we did a Lord of the rings theme, you were Gollum.  The weather was beautiful and you ran barefoot through the neighborhood in true Gollum fashion.there was such joy and freedom in you and your siblings that night.  I remember feeling so truly happy and blessed.
Tonight was difficult mentally, but I was so busy chasing after Ella and watching the others run with that same joyful spirit that I couldn't help but find moments of happiness.
I read a post from a woman who lost her child twenty years ago, she sometimes feels like "was he ever really here?"   I'm scared of those days when it has been so long since I've seen you that I can feel like that.....
I miss you like hell Nolan.  I would give anything for a sign from you.

pumpkin carving without nolan

one of the many firsts that we have to do, that we must continue on for the sake of our family, our kids, and truly for ourselves.  sometimes I think the easy thing would be to curl up in a ball and never allow myself to be happy again.  but honestly, I am TRYING to be happy.  i'm miserable much of the time, but I am aiming for happiness.  so I want to enjoy Halloween with my children, even without Nolan.  it seems impossible.  but I must.  so our first year, tonight, without Nolan.  .... we are going to carve one for his grave too.

Ella throwing up

How can I not be scared out of my mind?  A short time before Nolan died, he had tummy bug where he threw up all night.  He also hadr some other random fever, achy virus.  Which ultimately led to his death, to our loss?  We don't know.  Myocarditis isn't exactly the same every time.

So Ella has now been throwing up the equivalent of all night.... She started at about four pm and it is nearly midnight.  She hasn't kept a thing down.

I'm scared.

I know these posts are often repetitive, but I'm always scared.

She took a medicine today that technically could be causing the vomiting.  I'm praying that is the case.  That she'll sleep well tonight and wake up her happy self in the morning.  Anyone who's reading this, please pray for us.

i know people mean well....

Sometimes when people try to show me that care with platitudes and such, I wonder if they truly can understand the horror that I'm living.  Tonight, I'm driving down the street after Logan's soccer practice and I was suddenly struck with the memories of that horrible morning which then proceeded to make me feel physically ill.  I want to vomit when I think of that morning.  I want to crawl under my blankets and never come out.  I want to drive and drive and never turn back.  I want to scream at every parent who still has all their children.  I want to cry non stop.  In thirty years, if I'm still alive, I will be just as horrified that this happened.

will i feel this much fear every day for the rest of my life?

I just don't know how I won't.... I know all the sayings of "be not afraid" and stuff... stuff about having faith.  trusting God.  but you know, I did that before Nolan died.  I put stock in my prayers of "please keep my kids healthy and safe" every single night.  I told my girl at bedtime "you are home with us, nothing can happen to you"....

but we found out otherwise....

I CAN'T trust in God.
Bad things can happen at home in bed even though mom and dad are in the room next door. 

how can I not go to bed fearful?

wake me up

Sometimes I still stop myself and think this must be a nightmare, I must wake up.  How the hell can it be real?  The reality is too painful and yes, too bizarre.  I'll be in the middle of a conversation and the pain will strike anew and a concurrent thought of "I must wake up".....

I'm sorry Nolan

I'm sorry for being so negative Nolan.  It's so hard to be cheerful, happy.  I know that is what you'd want.  You would want us to be happy.  But it is so hard without you.  I know you would not like to see my anger at God, my anger at life.  I'm sorry.  I don't want to be angry.  I just can't help it

Immature Idiot

So recently my feelings were extremely hurt by someone who supposedly cares about me & my family.  It upset me immensely.  It still does.  However, I've reached a conclusion:  it's their problem and not mine, this person is an immature idiot.... asshole to be more precise.  Seriously.  I mean who says stuff like this:

"you're house smells"...

I'll tell you who, a 12 year old kid, not a 50-something adult. 

Even if it is true. 

You just don't say that to ANYONE.... unless... you are... an asshole....immature... an idiot.  yes, i'm speaking out because I was SO HURT.  SO UPSET.  I lost sleep over it. 

I talked about it with a few friends and realized another thing that, yes, my house does smell sometimes... I have pets, I have kids.... and yes, i'm not a great housekeeper. 

But the thing is, when this person visited our house, I cleaned my ass off, febreezed the hell out of everything, burned candles, mopped, andmopped again.... if it "smelled", it probably smelled like Lysol with a hint of Willie (our dog, because let's face it, if you have a dog, it's impossible to rid your house of that smell... the one thing I don't miss about him)....

Then there was a brief stop at our house after Nolan died.  And honestly, who knows how my house smelled that time.  It could have smelled like anything and I wouldn't have noticed. 

To be honest jerk, until we got rid of Nolan's bed IN WHICH HE DIED there was a horrible smell because when he died his body released everything... and no matter how many times we tried to clean it (me, my dad, who knows who else) the smell was impossible to get rid of.  So yes, jerk.  maybe you smelled the smell of Nolan dying.  Asshole. 

Yes, now I am no longer "hurt" I'm pissed.  I'm angry.

And you know, I know that I don't get a "pass for life" because of losing my son... I know that.

BUT..... you would THINK that someone who LOVES us would at least be KIND to us 9 months after losing our child. 

YOU WOULD THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah... sometimes my house might smell like a dog (no more though), 2 cats, a reptile cage, boys who can't seem to hit the toilet, a 2 year old who is potty training (or was in diapers at the time), food cooking, dishes in the sink from yesterday because I was busy running my children all over the place today, cookies baking, candles burning, spoiled milk because sometimes my kids pour themselves a cup of milk, then leave it in an odd place that I don't notice UNTIL it smells, laundry that I left in too long because again, I am running 4-previously 5, children everywhere, wet something (because my kids spill things and I don't always kjnow it)

Here's the thing, I am REALLY REALLY one of those people who hate bad smells.  So that is probably why I took this so personally.... I will smell and odor in my house of children and will then go crazy trying to locate the source.

I'm obviously NOT type-a.  My house is not always like YOURS. 

But guess what?  I do not give a shit.

I don't.

My son died and even though I already knew what was important before his death, I know it even more now.

Here's what matters:  family, loving each other, kindness, home....

My kids have fun at home.  Sometimes they drive me nuts because they DO leave milk somewhere unknown, the boys DO pee and miss the seat, ella does spill water and not bother to tell me.... That's life. 

We do not know how much time we have on this earth.  Obviously.  My healthy son died in his sleep when he was a mere 13 years old.  We thought we had all the time in the world.  We didn't.

I'm not going to waste my time worrying anymore what people think.  I'm not.  I'm raising my children to know love, to know God, to know respect, to know kindness, to know charity.  I pray none of them ever speak like this person spoke to me.  I talk to them often about hurting the feelings of others. 

I'm still working on the anger thing... even though I'm not going to "worry" anymore what people think, I'm human.  I'm still angry about this.  I hope I get over that... though I don't know if I will.  Right now, I could care less if I ever see this person again in my entire life, which is sad because before he said this, I always really thought a lot of him. 

But I may always feel that way. 

Side note:  I'm angry with God right now about Nolan.  Don't know if I will ever get over that either.  So perhaps I need to work on my anger issues while this person learns about how to be human. 

 

your laugh

I wonder if I have your laugh on video?  I miss your laugh

there's this loud pounding in my head

sometimes when you see me smiling & laughing with other adults or my children, there's something you don't see.  it's the loud pounding in my head. 

it's this pounding that is sometimes actual pain, sometimes just noise, sometimes it's like a scream.  it's the noise of anger, sadness, despair. 

it's hard to smile and laugh now.  I do it.  i'm thankful that I have children and friends and other family who make me do it.  but it's hard. 

so if you look at me and think to yourself "how the hell can she act like she's happy after what she's been through?"  just know you don't see everything

how can you not be here anymore?

how? 

I just want to scream and cry and scream some more.  i want to throw things.  i want to have a huge tantrum like my sweet ella still likes to throw. 

how can you not be here Nolan?  how?  i miss you so much.  that doesn't get easier.  the missing you.  it gets harder.  because you seem further and further away from me....

i am so mad at God.  so mad.  there is nothing right about this.  you went to bed "healthy" for God's sake!  you were only 13!!!!!  you had everything in the world to live for! 

you are my boy & i miss you so much.  how can you not be here?

it's going to be a tough couple months

well, honestly, it's going to be a tough life for me, period. 

but already, feeling extra emotional lately... we have entered what has always been my favorite time of year.... especially since becoming a mom.  from now through new years has always been so busy, so crazy, and so joyous to me. 

it was rotten timing too that Nolan's headstone arrived... that started the whirlwind of extra emotions... I feel like I have been crying ever since....

fall leaves, fall pictures iwht the kids....
Halloween... always so much fun for us as a family... even at age 12 last year, Nolan spent Halloween with us, not friends.
thanksgiving.... family
then of course, December... my favorite month of the year... love the entire Christmas season.... everything about it will now be without Nolan... from decorating the tree, to baking cookies, Nolan's letter to santa (always so sweet and thoughtful)....
and Nolan and I's shared birthday.... that was ours.  that was special.  our day. 
and now the anniversary of his death is in my favorite month... what the hell? 

we've never done a lot to celebrate new years eve... though the kids were getting old enough that they looked forward to it.  now?  never can I celebrate that day ever again.

and then from what I have heard, it seems unimaginable, but supposedly the 2nd year without my child will be even worse.....

fear, anger, sadness

These feelings seem to rule my life

aging

Not to be vain, but I used to look younger than my age... oh maybe not a lot, but probably at least five years younger.  And Patrick has always looked five years younger too.

Grief ages you.

I'd guess that in the last nine months, my face has aged at least ten years.  My hair has more grey.  And physically, well, I guarantee my insides have aged as well.  I no longer have a hop in my step.

Emotionally, I'm now ancient.  I've suffered such heartbreak that I now feel a million years old.

Patrick is looking older too.

Grief ages you.

anxiety

I have suffered on and off from anxiety attacks for about six years.  I went through many when Logan was about one.  Then I got over them and they stayed away other than the occasional mild one until Nolan s death.  Now they are back.  They were pretty bad the first couple months, then they lessened a bit.  I had a major one today.  I almost went to the Dr.  I was hyperventilating, about to pass out, all while driving.... real nice.  I've been sick from allergies and then my blood pressure went up and then I just freaked.  I'm so scared all the time, it's no wonder.

I'm sick from the fear

Every single night I go to bed terrified that another one of my children is going to die in the night.  And every morning I wake up scared to check on them.  Every day.  This is my life.

feeling sorry for myself

Sometimes I'm just feeling sorry for myself.  Today is one of those times where I'm feeling the extreme why me feelings... I read a post on one of the grief groups of mothers who were on disability after the death of their child.  I totally get that.  I have a hard time functioning in my world and I do not have to check in art a job every day.  I just don't know how I could do that.

crawling into a hole

Sometimes that's all I want to do.  I don't have it in me to play the social games anymore.  People talk about people, especially women.  They gossip.  Life goes on.  Other people just existing the way they always have.  Me, not having the energy to play nice anymore.  Kids being mean to my kids... I can't even fake a smile anymore when I walk past them.   Petty grievances that shouldn't even matter.  Nolan is gone.  He is buried just a few miles from where I sleep.  There is now a headstone in big letters telling the world that he died.  Does it show the world what we lost?  Can a stranger know what a wonderful boy he was?  None of it is fair.  Why do I have to go on?  Why do I have to try anymore?  Sometimes it's unbearable just trying...

keeping traditions alive

I have four children still to take care of on this earth... they keep me going.  They make me feel moments of happiness.  I must, must, must keep trying for their sake.  I've always been one for traditions.   And now I have to keep on with the traditions even though a part of me feels like throwing in the towel.  Fall pictures in loose park... oh dear Lord, how can I do that this year?   Yet I must.  Birthdays, holidays, and all that goes with that... I must.  My heart is broken.  It will not ever heal, it won't.  But my heart is still full of love for my family and a family needs a mom to keep it going.  I need to be better about spending quality time with my kids, using a gentle tone, showing them love and affection.  They deserve my all even though I feel like my all is shattered.

Nolan, an artist

Today I saw a quote about how artists are like wizards, only they perform magic with pencils instead of wands.   Nolan, I miss your creative self.... so much.  You did perform so much magic in your short life.

sometimes I just feel so alone

Ask anyone who knows me, really knows me, send they will tell you I'm a social butterfly.  Or I was a social butterfly.  Nolan s death has changed everything.  I feel so alone s op .  often. Sitting at co-op, alone at lunch, lonely.  Listening to other moms make plans.  Lonely.  I am alone.

i just get angrier and angrier with God

I wonder if I will ever find faith again.  I'm so angry with God.  Then I find myself doubting the existence of God.  Or believing there is a creator, but not a being who actually listens to or cares about prayers.  What happened to Nolan is so freaking unfair.  I will feel that way until the day I die.  Then I pray for a sign.  A real sign to give me strength to face the rest of my life without Nolan.  And I get nothing.  People say they see signs in birds, butterflies, clouds.... My problem with that is that because of my kids, I have always seen the birds, the butterflies, the clouds.  There is no sign there.  Then our smelly, but sweet dog dies.    Then Patrick's mom dies.  How fair is that?  Then his brother treats us like dirt.  How is all of this part of a plan?  How can my husband be made to suffer over and over.  How can my kids deserve so much pain?  Why can't I have a sign?  Why do I have to feel like an outcast at co-op, sitting alone at lunch while everyone else smiles and laughs?  Why is my beautiful son buried six feet under.  The thought of that makes me crazy.  Then I feel bad for letting piddly crap from co-op upset me.  Who cares

reality

A part of me died on December 31, 2012.... there's an emptiness now that will never be filled, ever.  There's a gnawing ache that is physically painful, sometimes it makes me feel like I'm going to throw up.  Sometimes I just feel an overall achiness that resembles a flu bug.  My life still feels like I'm living a nightmare and that this reality can't possibly be real.  I will think of Nolan and his big smile, his boyish laughter, his rowdy antics, his wrestling matches with Liam, his graceful movement on the soccer field, his speed, his smelly farts, his theatrical voices, his general goofiness.  And then I think, I have to wake up.  Him being gone cannot be reality.  It just can't.

if you have never lost a child

Please do not judge us too harshly...

We are in pain constantly.

We are angry often.

We are confused.

We are emotional.

We need your comfort though sometimes we may push you away.

We wear a mask constantly in order to function in life's day to day routines

We aren't trying to make excuses for ourselves, this is just our life now.

We feel guilty when we laugh, but we try to laugh nonetheless.

We want to turn back time.

We would give anything to have our child back.

sucks being scared

All the time..... I'm overwhelmed with fear.  

sad

Sad for so many reasons today

sad

Sad for so many reasons today

using your words

I can't understand adults who don't care about the implications of hurtful words.  I spend so much time trying to teach this very thing to my kids.  I remember learning my lesson when I was twelve years old because my friends were mad at me due to me not using my words kindly.  And from that point on, I told myself I would never fall to that level again.  I'm not perfect.  I've accidentally found myself speaking before thinking.  But I never ever try to use words to hurt others.  There's no taking back the hurt.  I strive to teach this every day in my children.  I may not be as neat a housekeeper, I may screw up and make mistakes... but I'm never going to hurt anyone on purpose.  And if I make a mistake, I'm going to try to fix it.  When I have lost my temper with my kids, I apologize.

very sad

I'm just so sad tonight.  I never understand people who show no compassion and who judge others.  Especially family.  We are all different and should embrace each other's differences instead of being a judgemental meanies.

my children and their mortality

my poor kids have had such a rough lesson in mortality this year....

first, and the worst, was losing Nolan a little over 8 months ago.  that was & continues to be a horrible nightmare for all of us.  he was only 13.  he went to bed healthy.  he didn't wake up.  the shock of that morning for all of us, but especially my other children, is awful.  I think about their security that they felt before that, the safety of our own home... shattered.

second, about a month ago, we lost our dog willie.  losing a pet should really be the first death a kid should have to deal with.  not losing a brother.  but we lost willie at the age of 10 to an enlarged heart.  he was deteriorating rapidly, we knew he was dying.  so there was no "shock" this time.  but it affected the kids horribly.  I think their sadness was magnified after losing Nolan.  Liam was crying so hard saying "why us?"  my sweet boys were bawling about as hard as they did when Nolan died.  I was crying too just knowing the pain they were feeling.  Ciara went to bed that night afraid to go to sleep again.

third, yesterday, we lost nana.  Nana is Kathleen Connors, Patrick's mom.  so the children just lost their grandmother that they spent a week with only 2 months ago in florida.  they didn't see her often, but they love her and she is a part of them.  again, tears from liam and logan.  Ciara doesn't really cry.  i'm not sure why.  liam asked why we had to lose all of them so soon.  why all within the last 8 months.  I tell him I do not know.  nana was one of those active adults who seemed to be in great health, great shape.  her mother lived to be 100 and we fully expected the same from nana.  so this came as a complete shock.

I feel like my children have lost so much innocence this year.  I'm so sad for them. 

i miss Nolan

It gets worse.... the missing Nolan.  Not easier.  I feel sick to my stomach when I think of never talking to, hugging, kissing, watching, listening to Nolan again.  I feel sick as I get further and further from the last time we talked, touched, just were together.   It's worse.  Not better.  You can't get this, understand this, if you haven't lost a child.  It gets worse

things that just don't really matter

it's so easy to get wrapped up in everything and the way everything is supposed to be....  your house is supposed to be clean, your kids are supposed to get good grades, your family is supposed to either do certain things or not do certain things, your job is supposed to earn you a high income, etc.... etc... etc. 

let me tell you.... NONE OF THAT MATTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would give anything to have Nolan back. 

I'm trying to get my house clean because I hate not being able to find things, not because it is supposed to be clean.  I don't really care if it's a mess and someone stops by.  It just doesn't matter.  My sanity matters though, so I do want to keep decluttering for that reason.

I still want the kids to do well in school because I think it will help them in life.  But you know what??? if they don't, who cares?!!!!  if they are alive and well even if they are working some crappy job, they will be alive and well!  and to me that matters above all else.  I want them to be happy.  But if it turns out one of them is not college material, who cares?!  The world is full of people who are not college material.  That's fine.  I'd take Nolan living working at petsmart full time and doing art in his spare time any day.....

I just really don't care anymore what people think of me.  I know that there are people in the circles I run in who would cringe at the fact that I watch the walking dead with liam.  Or that my family LOVES harry potter.... whatever!!!!!!  Liam and I bond while watch the walking dead.  so there!  Harry Potter is not evil because it has witches & wizards in it.  It's actually about GOOD winning over evil & if you don't agree with me, who cares?!!!!! 

I'm tired of caring about things that just don't really matter.  Nolan is gone.  I think that puts everything in perspective about what matters in life....

worrying is hell

I'm not going to sleep tonight and I'm so tired.  Liam says his chest hurts, like it has in the past, like we have had him checked for, but it scares me.  Should I take him to the Dr at 1130pm when everyone it has been checked, it was fine?
And Ella has a fever... fevers, a normal part of childhood, but after Nolan s death fevers scare me.  Nolan had a fever a couple weeks before this hell started.
ciara keeps checking everyone's heart rate, hearts beating.... she worries too.
Sometimes Logan looks so pale in his sleep....I get scared.
I'm so tired and I'm so tired of this hell.

another post

i'm not usually going to post my grief stories on this other site that I write on.... but I did today....  here it is
http://www.bubblews.com/news/1078998-a-grieving-mother

how can the world be beautiful now

The world has so much beauty, yet the ugliness of Nolan 's death blatantly stares me in the face every second of every day.  I saw a lovely pink sunset this evening from my patio and my heart was breaking as I looked at it.  Nolan 's lifeless body is such a horror to me.  My sweet beautiful boy who was always quick with a smile, a joke, a laugh, a big....taken from me.  A horror.  Yet the world continues to have beauty.  I just can't quite reconcile that

nutella

For Nolan's birthday, I bought him a jar of nutella.  He loves Nutella & I often buy it for a mommy hidden treat & don't always share because, well, i'm being a good mom... ha.  anyway, I would make it for them for a special lunch sometimes... nutella sandwiches.  So for his birthday, I bought him his own jar of it.  The night before he died he opened it for the first time & ate quite a bit of it.  He LOVED it.  I was actually scared when he died that perhaps something had been wrong with the nutella and he had been poisoned by it.  I took it & put it up high in case his autopsy came back showing that he had ingested something toxic.  I wouldn't let anyone else eat it.  I seriously was afraid that I had done it by giving it to him.  But that wasn't the case... it wasn't the nutella.

Today, I was thinking (as I am eating some nutella for breakfast) that maybe Nolan went to bed thinking that he did love his mom because she bought him some nutella.  Perhaps, his last thoughts of me were extra special & good.  Sometimes I wonder if maybe it's because I'm a bad mom that I haven't had any sign from him.  I hear these awesome stories of signs, real vivid signs.  Visions or dreams or other things.  And I've had nothing like that.  And then I think maybe it is because sometimes I suck at being a mom. 

But today, I thought of the nutella he cheerfully ate that last night.  

someday it will be...

five years since I have seen my son.... it hits me sometimes, thoughts like that... already I can't believe that it's been 8 months.  8 months since I said I love you and he said he loved me.... 8 months since he walked down the hallway in his underwear, his body about to hit puberty, me thinking how big he was getting... so grown up.  13.  he walked down that hallway & I never spoke to him again... 8 months ago.  but soon it will be a year, then 2, then 10.  and it will be further and further from the time I got to be with my son.  some people think grief gets easier... I dont' think so.  you get more used to dealing with it because you have to... but I think in many ways it gets harder because you miss your son more each day... I miss Nolan so much.  How can he be gone?

rough days

some days are just plain rougher than others when you are dealing with the loss of you child.  on Friday, I just was in tears off & on all day.  there was absolutely nothing that set it off.  I was just unable to control the tears.    it's hard when you are out in public and it hits.   and there is nothing you can do except seek out a restroom for some privacy...

every day is hell, to be honest.  but I have periods of time where i'm busy and i'm even enjoying myself with friends or family.  but there's just an underlying knowledge of hell...